Want to improve your health? Try forgiveness

PRIME – June 2013 By Victor Acquista, MD Director Pathways Integral Health & Wellness, LLC; Readers of a column about health and wellness might find it a bit odd to see the topic of forgiveness discussed as a health issue. Yet, when you consider that forgiveness is associated with many health benefits, it makes a lot more sense. Forgiveness has been shown to reduce blood pressure, chronic pain, stress, anger, and depression. Forgiveness has also been shown to increase optimism, a sense of wellbeing, hope, compassion and self-confidence. If I were to offer you a prescription that could do all these beneficial things you might think I was peddling some snake oil miracle cure, or that any such drug was quite possibly illegal. But you do not need a prescription to achieve these health benefits. Forgiveness is available to you without a prescription and at no cost. So, as a way to achieve better health, let's examine forgiveness. Part of the human experience is to be hurt by the actions of others. At times we are on the receiving end of such life events as transgressions, betrayals and hurts. Such events usually trigger emotional responses – anger, fear, sadness and disappointment. Over time, a failure to forgive can lead to longstanding feelings of hatred, bitterness, resentment, mistrust, misery, apathy, and/or depression. These protracted emotional responses are like toxins that poison our bodies, minds, and spirit. Ultimately, our health suffers and we suffer by carrying the pain of those life events from the past into our present lives. Episodes of hurt or betrayal can lead to a desire for vengeance or retribution, which may trigger the inflicting of pain on the transgressor, followed by a hurtful response in endless cycles of pain and suffering for both parties. Sometimes, lives can even become consumed by a desire for revenge. How to forgive The process of forgiveness begins by first acknowledging that a hurt has occurred. As we process the painful event, we may have strong feelings that should also be acknowledged – "So and so hurt me and I am angry." or "This person did something bad to me and I am very disappointed." Once we have processed the action and our response, we are now faced with a choice. We can continue to hold on to the painful event and relive it over and over in our present lives. In this circumstance, we continue to carry the suffering attached to that painful event into our current lives. Holding on to this means that we have chosen not to forgive. We hold on to the toxic emotional waste generated by that life event. As a result, we continue to suffer and our health continues to suffer. Alternatively, we can choose to leave the painful event in the past and break the link of suffering attached to it. This discharges the emotional toxic waste we are holding on to. This choice represents forgiveness. Forgiveness occurs in the moment we make the choice to leave that painful life experience in the past and not continue to carry it into the present. In the moment of forgiveness you are letting go, you are releasing; the past episode remains as a past event. The pain that followed remains as a past response. The suffering tied to this event-response moves from present to past in the moment of forgiveness. The myths of forgiveness There are some common misconceptions about forgiveness that need to be dispelled. The most frequent forgiveness myths are listed below: Myth #1: Forgiveness requires reconciliation. This is a false assumption. If someone has done something which has hurt you, you can forgive him or her, but this does not mean you must reconcile you relationship with this person. Reconciliation – or rebuilding a damaged relationship – is separate from forgiveness. You can forgive the wrong and the wrongdoer independent of continuing to have a relationship with that person. Myth #2: Forgiveness means the behavior was OK. Again, this is a false assumption. The behavior was not OK. Remember, part of the process of forgiveness is to acknowledge that a wrong has occurred. It is dishonest to characterize or portray this act or transgression as somehow all right. Myth #3: Forgive and forget go hand in hand. Nothing could be further from the truth. If you touch a hot stove and get burned, you'd best remember that incident unless you want to get burned again. It's important to learn from others hurtful behaviors unless you want to set yourself up for a repeat performance. Myth #4: The offender must ask for forgiveness. Once again, this is a false assumption. By waiting for an apology, you disempower yourself and hand over the healing power of forgiveness to another party. Learn to choose forgiveness independent from the offender seeking an apology. Forgiveness is a choice about how you react to a grievance that has befallen you. This perceived wrong represents an event. Forgiveness is one possible response you make in reacting to this event. The event is still part of your life. You cannot change the past. How you react to that event is something you can control. If the strategies you have thus far attempted in dealing with these painful events have not brought you peace, perhaps it's time to try a different strategy. Perhaps it's time to try forgiveness. The word "shalom," which means "peace," is derived from the word "shalem," which means "whole." When you make peace, you make whole. Interestingly, the word "whole" shares roots with the word "health." Putting this all together, when you make peace you make whole, and when you make whole you make health. Forgiveness is the healthy choice. Now is a good time to reap the benefits from the healing power of forgiveness. Shalom! Victor Acquista, MD, is author of "Pathways To Health: An Integral Guidebook" and a partner in the Collaborative for Community Health in Palmer. For more information on Acquista's book, visit http://pathstohealth.info/