How not to step on those holiday conversation 'landmines'

Thanksgiving ( mor christmas or Hanuakah) can mean the ideal family get together or a day of awkward moments, uncomfortable silences and eruptions of family feuds. The trick is to avoid those conversation landmines those seemingly innocuous questions and comments (to you, at least) that set your relative's teeth on edge. Listed below are author Debra Fine's top 10 conversation landmines, taken from her book, "The Fine Art of Small Talk: How to Start a Conversation, Keep It Going, Build Networking Skills and Leave a Positive Impression!," published by Hyperion 10 sure-fire conversation stoppers 1. "Are you two ever going to get married?" Most mothers (herself included, Fine admits) along with the rest of the planet presume that long time dating results in marriage. In today's society, it ain't necessarily so! 2. "No, thanks. I gave up [drinking, smoking, overeating] after I saw the toll it took on you." This kind of comment, Fine said, is meant to deliberately point a finger. According to Fine, if you must address someone's over indulgence, do it in private! And remember, making someone feel bad about him or herself does not typically motivate better behavior. 3. "When are you two going to make me a grandmother?" Fine's advice - back off! If your son/daughter and his/her significant other wanted you to know their intimate intentions they would be sure to send you a press release. 4. "Cool Whip is interesting. Did you ever think of serving the real stuff instead?" Fine said this type of question showcases the "advisor" at his/her worst. Fine's bottom line for holiday conversations don't offer advice unless solicited. That includes telling the upcoming college graduate how to go about job hunting as offering unsolicited tips on how to get through child birth. 5. "Aren't you full yet?" or "Why aren't you eating anything?" According to Fine, this is a real no-no. You should leave others alone about what they eat or don't eat and worry about what you put in your own mouth. Just because eating at the holiday dinner table is a marathon of gorging for some for others it may be an Olympic feat of discipline. Also, just because you slaved over the pumpkin pie or prepared grandma's traditional stuffing does not mean every dinner guest is required to consume it. Eating is a personal decision! 6. "Yes, I know you're a parent. But haven't you ever thought about working?" Fine said whether someone chooses to work or stay at home with their kids is their choice and others should respect that choice. Instead of questioning the choice, try to show a genuine interest in herand what fills her day. 7."I see you still can't be bothered with ironing a shirt." Fine said this comment, usually directed to a single male family member, is rude. "Leave him alone," she said. "His priorities are not the same as yours As mom used to say.'If you cannot find something good to say, don't say anything at all.'" 8. "How is it that your son looks just like you and your daughter looks like she could be from a different family?" Fine points out that personal questions that you do not know the answer to are never a good conversation starter!. She said other examples of faux pas questions include: "Did your daughter get into Northwestern?" and "How is the girlfriend?" 9. "Did you cook this yourself, or did you just thaw it out?" You may be asking because you sincerely wish to know how you can create this dish yourself but you are putting the host/hostess on the spot. Instead Fine suggests you ask for the recipe after the meal. If it was not homemade she will let you know at that time or maybe be coy and say that the recipe is a family tradition that is not shared outside the family! 10. "Forget this poison nonsense -- just spread the [turkey's]legs open and stuff it in, the way that I always do" Hopefully, Fine said, in this day of "Turkey Hotlines" we all know better than to ignore safety concerns. Another case of unsolicited advice, in this case advice that could turn deadly! Debar Fine is a nationally recognized motivational speaker who has been interview for The Boston Globe, Psychology Today, Fast Company magazine and many other media outlets. Her book, "The Fine Art of Small Talk" by is published by Hyperion Books (ISBN: 1-4013022-6-2 ). The hardcover edition retails for approximately $16.95.