Exercise caution when a friend asks for advice

all they may really need is someone to listen! It's happened before. Your friend has been complaining about transgressions and hurtful misdeeds on the part of a married or unmarried partner. This time your friend seems exceptionally upset. "I really need your advice now!," he or she laments. To give or not give advice Giving advice is a sensitive matter. It means putting yourself in your friend's situation without being fully aware of all the facts and feelings of the two parties involved. What do you really know about the circumstances? The probability is that you only get to hear one side of the story, presented through the perspective of the advice seeker. Most importantly, you don't know what your friend's emotional history is and whether it is the key factor that's causing the current disruptive relationship. Giving the wrong advice often backfires. It can cause a loss of trust on the part of the advice-seeker if he or she feels that you're not on his or her side. Worse, it can end your relationship altogether or bring about more hurt. In my experience the best course of action in a situation such as this is to listen to the grievances without offering solutions. Being supportive does not mean you have to come up with Solomon's wise answer. It means giving your friend your time, expressing your genuine interest, standing by him or her emotionally, and most importantly, letting your friend talk and talk out loud. Why listening may turn out to be the best "advice" Most of the time and this is especially true for women the advice seeker isn't looking for answers and solutions but just wants to be heard, to air his or her feelings. By sharing the experiences with a trusted friend the advice seeker is able to more clearly see the available options and can then focus on making a decision. Deep down your friend knows what she or he really wants to do. Sharing the story with you simply helps them to overcome confusing emotions. It is the simple exercise of sharing that permits them to reevaluate if the decisions they are considering might be precipitous or irrational. What he or she needs and wants is to voice his or her grievances without being judged. Sometimes they even resent hearing your solution, even if they asked for it. Advice-giving do's and don'ts As a rule, don't suggest breaking up! You may end up being the villain if the advice seeker listens to you and then changes his or her mind and makes up with the unwanted partner. Then you may become "persona non grata" and end up being pushed out. Instead, consider referring your friend to seek the help of a professional or counselor. Or simply suggest he or she take some time off to let tempers cool down and reassess the situation at a later point. Don't speak negatively about the advice seekers' partner. It may backfire. Let them tell the entire story. Don't interrupt. That is often what they resent in their partner's unwillingness to sit and hear them out. They will appreciate having your undivided attention. Keep the information confidential. This is not fodder for the gossip mill. If you share it with others you betray your friend. Jacqui Need advice? E-mail Jacqui your questions: contact.veryprivate@gmail.com Visit: www.veryprivate.com. We never reveal or give out names or addresses. 2007 Brandwynne Corp. All rights reserved.