Different ways to build trust and intimacy
Jacqui
Recently we asked 25 single and married men what they liked, disliked about lovemaking with their partner.
We were surprised by their number one gripe: "I wish I didn't always have to be the aggressor. Why can't my partner take the lead sometimes?"
When we talked to women about this matter, many told us that they actually would like to be more forward in the bedroom.
They even admitted that they would love to raise the passion meter or kindle sexual activity but felt unsure, even awkward how to make the first move.
When rigid rules are promoted and people grow up with such beliefs, it is difficult to erase these patterns, which tend to be destructive.
Some feared they would be turned down because hubby wasn't in the mood or worse, that their partner would think their sexual behavior was tawdry. A few women felt strongly that the role of "conqueror" was a man's prerogative. They expected him to take the lead in sexual encounters because that's what they were taught, usually by their Moms.
A few admitted that they were simply uneasy to talk about sex, that they didn't really know what their partner really liked or expected in bed.
"Sex has never been very exciting", admitted a lady, married over twenty years, "and frankly, we've never had discussions about it".
However, several women admitted freely that they had no qualms whatsoever to initiate sex whenever they felt like it or let their partners know what was exciting to them.
Great lovemaking, passion and wonderful intimacy can only blossom when both partners are fully participating; when they can express their needs, their desires and fantasies, when they actually want to be the best lover to their mate, inside and outside the bedroom.
In some cases early childhood instructions, religious or cultural habits regarding love and sex can cause serious inhibitions and raise havoc in the person's adult life.
When rigid rules are promoted and people grow up with such beliefs, it is difficult to erase these patterns which tend to be destructive to a loving relationship.
Abandoning personal constructs can be very uncomfortable and even result in making an individual unable to function sexually at all.
So the first order of change is to focus on one's own sexual beliefs and understand how it affects your sexual life. Following, an open and caring discussion with your partner is necessary. Sometimes a therapist or sex counselor makes it easier to overcoming such intimacy hurdles.
Sexuality is not about rules and roles but about giving and receiving pleasure. Detailed communication of what you like, what turns each of you on is a necessity, not a subject to avoid. Sharing your sexy dreams and fantasies should be an exciting conversation. Tell each other what you need, what feels wonderful to you.
There is nothing shameful about that. Show him, even guide him with your hand and be open to fulfilling his desires. The more explicit you are, the more you have to gain. That is how you build trust, intimacy and a wonderful sexual life together. You can become the seductress he dreams about. He can become the lover you want him to be.
What you think about love is in your head. What you feel is in your soul. Share it with your partner, and life will be filled with new passion.
—Jacqui
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