Author sees renewal in the mourning process

Elizabeth Weber to read at Forbes Library this month Northampton author's debut book hit the shelves this summer, and the cover art that she chose echoes the story's central theme: through a darkened forest, the light of the sun breaks. In this case, the forest was the mourning process of author Elizabeth Weber after losing her former husband of 10 years to lymphoma, and the light was her eventual return to joy. Weber lost her husband, Bob Fraley, in 2006 when she was 49. The pair had met later in life and discovered they were soul mates. "He did one round of chemo, but there were so many side effects," she said of his battling the disease. "This society does not really allow people to die gracefully. The policy in hospitals is to keep you alive at all costs, even if it's debilitating, gruesome and terrifying." She continued, "We decided this is not really living, and wanted him to die peacefully and naturally." Weber holds a Master's Degree in Counseling Psychology. She is also inspired by Sufi beliefs and the poet Rumi. The book is dedicated, "For all those who mourn." "For about half my journey I'm pretty much unable to get up. I have a counseling background, so I'm aware of what's happening to me," she said. "My coach equated it to the winter of my life; the dark night of my soul." In a chapter of the book, Weber sees a pruned rose bush in winter, a gnarled stump. She relates to that as a metaphor for her own life season. "I related the seasons of the year to a stage of my life," she said. "When I had lived in Kauai [a small Hawaiian island] I had the love of my life, friends came easily, and it seemed like summer." Fittingly, that island is also called "The Garden Island" and Weber herself is very much in tune with the ebb and flow of the natural world. She continued, "But this [period of mourning] was also literally in the winter time. Winter gives us our cues. Like the rose bush, what I needed to do was strengthen my root system. And like winter, spend time reflecting and being still, conserving resources." The book concept began when Weber found herself sobbing uncontrollably soon after her beloved had passed. "None of us enjoys losing control in public," she said. "In other cultures, wailing and sobbing in public is accepted. Not here. We're so tight-lipped. But grief hit me like a tsunami wave. It was so much bigger than me. I couldn't control it, or hold it in." It was doubly difficult when Weber, still in mourning, was diagnosed with a serious medical ailment, a type of tumor on her auditory canal. She faced three options: brain surgery, chemotherapy, or physical therapy. "You can guess which one I chose," she said. "With physical therapy, I as able to grow new neural networks around the old problem. I regained my balance, and Chapter 23 is about neural plasticity." Weber likened her problem to a blind person who has the choice between staying at home in safety or facing the seemingly insurmountable challenges posed by the sighted world. For her, it was either to engage the problem and exercise - which was made difficult by instability caused by the tumor - or choose the safer path which would not lead to any healing. "Do I play it safe or take a risk?" she asked herself. "But I chose to not be afraid. I chose to move." Luckily for Weber, summertime would come again. She's since remarried to an old flame, named Terry Lee, and once again has a warm smile for the world. "There's another summer in the book," she said. "The rest of my book is about coming out of winter," she said. "In chapter 10, I talk about spring and seeing a yellow forsythia bush in all its splendor. Nature shows the way." She also discovered a nearby body of water that, while at first unappealing, provided her with a place to be introspective. It abutted a school, and at first all the author saw were the heating and air conditioning units nearby. But she walked slightly around its perimeter, stood at its banks, and soon saw nothing but fields and foliage. She took from that the lesson that so many things lie not in reality but in our perception of it. The pond soon became Weber's own personal Walden Pond, inspiring her to reflect and write. "I never intended to write about this," she said. "I was just going through it. I was able to see the beauty in this mourning process; in this sacred and precious journey. I want readers to feel that I've taken the journey for your or with you. You can come out of this, but you have to go through it first." Asked about the readers she's encountered so far, Weber said, "The natural audience for my book is women. It's a memoir of my journey through mourning. I felt a calling to write this book; it wasn't premeditated to that audience." She added of her writing career, "I'm glad I'm doing it at this age. It's getting better and better for women, but I was raised in a society that was sexist. If someone didn't invite me to participate, I wouldn't. I'm proud of myself for writing this book." One of her best experiences since the book came out in recent weeks was a chance meeting with a reader who was mourning the loss of her own mobility due to disease. "She said to me, 'Your book gave me permission to stop and take care of myself,'" Weber said. "I'm so glad she said that. We need to respect the natural processes and honor them; to not just soldier on." She added, "By really honoring the process, you actually move through it more quickly. That's why the book's title is 'A Beautiful Mourning.' I came out renewed and grateful. I had ten years [with Bob] and I'm a woman in my 50s with so much to give. I learned to embrace all the passages of life." A key tenet to her well-being is movement, both emotionally and physically. "Movement is the metaphor," she said. "Moving through grief, loss and depression. I love that now I'm a movement coach. It's about how we live and embrace life. Joy is the journey." It's an approach that she's able to translate to other areas of her life. Weber is also a fitness coach who specializes in helping people with injuries, illness, depression, addictions, or special needs. She said of her fitness coaching. "We all live in our bodies and deserve to live in a pain-free way." Her book is available both online and at retail stores. She's been talking about her book locally, and would like interest to grow organically, rather than through a public relations campaign. "I want to let it unfold as it will," she said of publicity for her new book. "A Beautiful Mourning" is available at Broadside Books in Northampton or online at both Barnes and Noble and Amazon.com. Weber will be doing a book reading at the Forbes Library on Sept. 18 at 2 p.m. in the Community Room. For more information about her pastoral counseling or fitness coaching, please visit her web site at www.elsaweber.com or call for an appointment at 727-8254.