By Debbie Gardner
dgardner@thereminder.com
As Director of the East Longmeadow Council on Aging, Erin Koebler LCSW and certified care manager, brings her nearly 20 years of experience working with elders and their families – ranging from geriatric care manager, to guardianship program manager, to state home care program coordinator – to her new role.
Prime tapped this wealth of experience, asking Koebler to offer advice on ways to smooth out the bumps of gathering together again after the past few years of Zoom holidays.
Here’s what she shared:
Q: It’s been a while since many of us gathered for the holidays in person. Religion and politics are always hot-button issues, but are there other topics or situations that might cause trouble this year?
“It feels like so many things that weren’t political in the past have become political in the past few years - masks, vaccines, public health considerations – if you know something is a hot button issue for a family member, especially if it has become political, just try to stay away from it this year.
“The biggest thing going into the holidays, however, is to remember not to take ourselves too seriously. We take our political views so seriously now, try infusing a little humor into the holidays to make the moments lighter. Whether it’s introducing a new game or including new guests in the mix – or something else to take the focus off the hot-button issues and give people a different focus. If you’re hosting, try adding something that will build community but won’t take the familiar happiness away from the gathering.
“I think it’s also important, ahead of the holiday gatherings, to decrease our expectations. Start thinking about how to not take things so personally. The holidays are fraught with expectations for so many people. If you are aware that something about the holidays might be a hot-button issue for your family, or if the holiday itself has become a hot-button for some reason, think about hosting the celebration on a different day.”
Q: We all have relatives – older and younger - that push our buttons. What are some ways to help defuse these situations?
“First off, we can remember that generations have struggled with different viewpoints forever – this isn’t a new problem, but the past two years have made everything more difficult. Just acknowledging that different generations have different points of view, going into the holidays, this knowledge is helpful.
“When faced with the ‘button push,’ try to deflect it, or try to change the subject, and remember, different viewpoints are really what makes the world great. We have to remember that this type of thing has been happening for generations; we’re just living through some pretty intense times right now. Try and remember that people may be dealing with lots of emotions around gathering again. Some are afraid they might become ill, others may need a little practice in social situations before they become comfortable. There are many different reasons that “grace” may have a double meaning this year.
“One great way to try and diffuse the situation is by each generation sharing stories. Sometimes we forget that a personal experience led to a particular viewpoint. Personal stories help us understand each other and our viewpoints. And always go back to humor – not in terms of making fun of someone’s viewpoint but in diffusing the situation – and incorporating humor into your own viewpoint, not taking yourself so seriously.”
Q: Traditions are part of the holidays, but the past two years have altered many things. What are the best ways to cope with changes that may not fit our image of the perfect gathering?
“It goes back to the concept of giving up the expectations that are no longer working for you and your family. Be happy that you honored those traditions in the past but be mindful that if they don’t work any longer, it’s time to let them go. Give yourself permission to do it.
“Bottom line, you don’t want people to feel pressured; it goes back to changing those expectations for yourself going into [the holiday], thinking about what the perfect gathering is and if that meets the needs of everyone who is going to be at your gathering. Think about making new traditions, things that make sense and meet the needs of the people you are gathering with now, things that make people feel special and included, and isn’t that what tradition is all about?”
