When home becomes less sweet

Helping a loved one to successfully age in place By Debbie Gardner, PRIME Editor It's the kind of crisis that catches most families unawares. Mom, or Dad, or Aunt Edna seem to be doing OK on their own. They seem chipper when you call and their home looks pretty normal when you visit. Well, maybe things aren't quite as neat or kept up as they used to be, but his or her [fill in the ailment here] has been kicking up a bit lately. Still, he or she seems to be getting to appointments and running errands without your help, for the most part. In general, your relative is still pretty independent. Then one day, something changes. It could be a fall or a minor traffic fender-bender, the death of a spouse, a worsening chronic condition or myriad other factors that slowly or suddenly make you aware that your loved one might need help with some of the basics of day-to-day living. And when you come up against that problem, you're not alone. According to research on caregiving in America presented on the International Longevity Center's Web site (www.ilcusa.org), nearly 6 million elders are currently receiving care at home. Countless others, the study said, need care, and are not receiving it. When they need your help What often prompts a family to intervene and arrange care for an elder is something Richard Cabral, director of community services for Glenmeadow Retirement Community, refers to as "the incredible shrinking life" "First it's just one thing [that they can't do], then it's another," he said. Couple that with the stoicism of most of today's older generation, and it's a recipe for trouble. "People are too quick to say. 'if I can't do it the way I used to, I can't do it at all'," Cabral said. Everyone's first instinct in this situation is to jump in and take over. But, according to Cabral, that may not be the best approach for everyone. "A lot of family members think they are doing the right thing by taking over the decision making,"Cabral told PRIME. "I think that's wrong. Seniors have successfully adjusted to life at home because of their self-sufficiency." He said rather than jumping in and taking over, you should begin by talking with the person about their situation, their choices and how these choices are affecting not only themselves, but the entire family. Sometimes, Cabral said, this discussion can be aided by the introduction of an impartial third party, such as a geriatric case manager. "What's nice about bringing in an outside party, it gives the family something to rally around," Cabral said. A third party observer can also help diffuse caregiver tension by taking into account the family dynamic, and helping the caregivers find a balance that fits what everyone can do, Cabral said. Be proactive and beat the crisis Ideally, Cabral said, families would take the time to look at their elder's health and wellness and suggest some modifications before a crisis develops. "Sometimes they just need some services to offset a loss [such as not being able to drive safely at night]," Cabral said. "That's when people like us get involved," Cabral said, referring to the recently expanded Glenmeadow At Home suite of aging-in-place services. "We help them find another way [to do things]."