By Debbie Gardner
debbieg@thereminder.com
Lanie Delphin knows what it’s like to date at midlife. She met her second husband, Bud, through a national dating service 15 years ago, and the two then decided to start their own locally based service. In August 2016, Mass Match Dating and Matchmaking Service will celebrate 14 years of helping others “find what they are looking for” in a life partner.
A former personnel counselor who once matched people with jobs, Delphin is a graduate of Mount Holyoke College and also holds a Master’s Degree in Education from Boston University. At Mass Match she combines her work and personal experience to guide clients through the dating maze.
Here’s what she told PRIME about getting back out there:
Q: What is the first piece of advice you would give to someone who is newly single, either through divorce, the death of a partner, or the end of a long-term relationship?
“I would advise people to take the time they need to figure out what might have gone wrong, unless widowed with a history of a happy marriage. Because history does tend to repeat itself, it is critical to avoid previous pitfalls, if there were any. Often second and third marriages don’t do as well as first marriages because people haven’t learned from the past and often rush too quickly into things. It takes so much longer to get out of relationships than to get in them. Everyone moves through things in their own way. Some people are actually ready to start dating immediately after a separation of any kind, while others can hold on to anger or grief for years.
“If you feel like you are positive enough to move forward, or able to fake it until you make it, and have done your ‘inner-work,’ in whatever time-frame it took, then you should be fine to date again. And as to widows and widowers, the love they gave is theirs to give again, and I think they have a great chance of repeating that happy history.”
Q: When it’s time to start dating, are there any new rules mid-lifers need to know?
“When I first started Mass Match 14 years ago, most of my clients told me they couldn’t believe they were resorting ‘to this.’ No one has said that since, because Internet dating took off. People do seem aware now that if they aren’t proactive then they don’t have a very good chance of finding someone. The old ways of meeting people at a religious institution, or friends fixing you up, seem to be pretty much gone. And many people are reluctant to date someone at work. Once we finish college, we are often stuck. It is good to remind people with all the Valentine’s Day hype that over half of adults are single for the first time in history. You are in the same boat they are in. Also, most people don’t think they will be dating again at mid-life (I certainly didn’t) but that has become the norm. Everything will come down to choosing wisely. And that means not adhering to your own limited rules regarding height or weight or eye color. It’s the subjective things, not the objective ones, that matter.”
Q: Technology is so much a part of socializing now. Do you have any tech tips for those just getting back out there?
“Mass Match is a personal dating service and not Internet dating, however, some of the advice I give clients applies in either case. Don’t spend too much time on the phone or email, but quickly use those tools to meet. You don’t want to rule someone out because of a misunderstanding or fall madly in love with him or her – in the case of Internet Dating, the person you are emailing might not even exist or be serious. Certainly be positive and stick to the present tense when talking to a new or potential partner. Positive energy attracts.
Technology or not, the biggest mistake everyone makes is rushing. My mantra of the requisite ‘4 C’s’ for a healthy relationship are enough: Chemistry so you have fun with them and look forward to seeing them (as opposed to instant sparks); good Communication; and the two most critical C’s – Character and Compatibility. Most relationships fail due to a character or compatibility problem. Slow down. It takes a long time to find out about those C’s. Don’t let Valentine’s Day push you into making unhealthy choices. Who you choose will determine, of course, how it goes.”
You can read more of Lanie’s dating wisdom online at www.massmatch.com
