"The Secrets of Happily Married Women"

Some women do know how to make their marriages happy Authors share insights of real women in new book By Debbie Gardner PRIME Editor Can your marriage be happier? If you answered "yes" to that question, and you are the female part of that relationship equation, renowned psychiatrist, marriage counselor and best-selling author Dr. Scott Haltzman has a key piece of advice for you. Stop working so hard to fix him! In his new book, "The Secrets of Happily Married Women: How to Get More Out of Your Relationship by Doing Less," written with co-author Theresa Foy DiGeronimo, Hartzman gives women the tips and tools they need to better understand their mates, and then use that knowledge to get more of what they want from their relationship. Tips and tools, the authors are quick to say, come from hundreds of women who declare themselves "happily married" Viva la difference! When PRIME spoke to Haltzman who also authored the popular "Secrets of Happily Married Men" (released in 2006) he was quick to point out that this "Secrets" book was not a sequel. He said it wasn't even the same type of book. "This is not a book about how my wife slipped up," said Haltzman, "In "Secrets of Happily Married Men," [I said] 'here's what guys are doing wrong and here's a few examples of where I slipped up'." He said this approach worked because "men . come from a culture where if you prod them and point up in a respectful way where they have messed up they will know the next step." Women, on the other hand, Haltzman pointed out, don't like to be teased and prodded about what they are doing wrong. "With "Secrets of Happily Married Women," he continued. "Here's a book about what women have done right and how certain approaches toward relationships and certain approaches in respecting the differences between the genders results in happier marriages." In fact, "The Secrets of Happily Married Women" is filled with the voices of hundreds of real women those who responded to Haltzman's Web site queries, those of co-author DiGeronimo's circle of friends and women-on-the-street who took her library surveys, sharing what works and doesn't work in a marriage. "It was funny, interesting, honest . it was a lot of things," DiGeronimo said of the information she and Haltzman compiled. Know your man The "Secrets" uses gender-based research, and some assessment quizzes to help women better understand the man they married. "One of the nice things I like about the book is the quiz I have in chapter two," said Haltzman, referring to the seven-question assessment that helps a wife measure her man's nature in areas such as his need to feel cared for, difficulty expressing emotion, need to be right and in control, quest for acknowledgement of his efforts and strong attraction to females. Based on the answers to this quiz, Haltzman suggest women embark on a three-step plan to help improve her marriage's happiness quotient understand [your husband's] needs, nurture his needs and negotiate around those needs to get your own needs met. "Part of the point of this book is, he is what he is," Haltzman said. "But you can bring out the best in him." Other chapters address such topics as learning how to fight better, the need to talk less and in shorter sentences and the importance of taking the time to nurture your own needs and interests. The core message is to identify where you need to support and nurture your mate, work on those areas, and stop spending energy trying to change or "fix" those parts of your spouse that you just need to accept and work around. "Relationships go through changes and evolutions and people will often seek to leave a relationship because a partner has changed," said Haltzman, who has helped countless couples to cope with changes in their relationships through his marriage counseling practice. "The problem is you wanted him to change exactly the way you wanted him to, but he didn't read your instruction book!" Use your wiles to get what you want In the chapter titled "Have Lots of Sex," Haltzman advocates that women use their sexuality to "get what you want." "The whole topic is very sensitive," Haltzman acknowledged, referring to the feminist input in recent years about taking sexuality off the table in relationship negotiations. "I think that's what people [today] are struggling against," Haltzman said. "How do you open yourself up to being a woman, using all your womanly skills . empathy, the ability to tune into other people's needs.you've got all those abilities but you've also got the ability to turn a man on." And by sex Haltzman doesn't mean just mean getting it on between the sheets. He talks about all forms of intimate connection from snuggling on the couch to the simple act of holding hands. "I think women should capitalize on their femininity, they did when they were dating us," he said. "Ultimately what they [will] get is a man who is much more in tune with them." Give up on "equality" and get happy "Scott's message, as politically incorrect as it may seem at times, is right for now," co-author Theresa Foy DiGeronimo told PRIME."The strong message of equality in marriage and the belief that absolute equality is necessary to have a happy marriage, has made it more difficult to have a happy marriage." She talked about all the emotional energy it takes to keep tabs on who has washed the dishes the most times, whose turn it is to do some chore, or force a mate to talk when he doesn't want to. "With the book's subtitle we really tried to emphasize that how much time and energy it takes to do that," she said. "Maybe this [idea of happiness] is a lot about expectations, about going back to the expectations of the feminism movement, and equality," DiGeronimo said. "[Women] had some unrealistic expectations; they weren't bad or a lie, we were just told that we could have it all and be happy." "I think this book gives us a good perspective on letting go, on compromising, on negotiating, on accepting moments of unhappiness to be truly happy," she observed. She talked about the discussion of the different degrees of love in the "Take Charge of Your Own Happiness" chapter, saying "If you don't feel love with a person [right now], that doesn't mean the marriage is over .it doesn't mean that you won't ever feel it again." "That's not the expectation," she said. "That's not the romantic notion of what marriage should be." "[This book] is telling women that her gut feelings probably are true, that the cultural media [message] that what makes a good marriage about a husband's romantic and passionate gestures, things like always sending us notes is unrealistic." And though DiGeronimo said not all of the women who responded to the book-in-progress surveys agreed with the conclusions she and Haltzman reached, she feels the book presents a broad range of advice from women who have learned to make their marriages work. She noted, for example, that there were women who took offense to the book's advice that women speak in shorter sentences that men can understand. "That's a bunch of baloney!," DiGeronimo said she received as feedback from one survey respondent. "Don't tell me I have to talk like he talks; he can learn to talk like I talk!" But overall, DiGeronimo said she personally came away from the writing experience with an improved attitude toward her own marriage. "I learned how to have a happy marriage," she said. "I've learned not to expect my husband to think and act as I do." "It's nice , after 25 years, to have this refresher," she continued. "To learn new things, to talk to so many women, and end up with a pretty neat book." "The Secrets of Happily Married Women" is available at Edwards' Books, Tower Square in downtown Springfield as well as other bookstores.