I don't, anymore ....

PRIME February 2014

Divorces increasing among midlife

By Debbie Gardner debbieg@thereminder.com If you're of a certain age, there's a good chance that you have a friend or colleague whose long-term marriage has quietly unraveled, and then ended. It may even have been your own marriage that somehow lost its way and disintegrated. Welcome to a growing societal trend. Marriages that have lasted 20, 25, 30 years or more are becoming increasingly likely to end not in widowhood for one partner but in divorce for both. Statistics paint the picture. The rate of divorce for individuals 50 years of age and older more than doubled between 1990 and 2010, growing from 4.7 to 9.7 persons per 1,000, according to "The Grey Divorce Revolution: Rising Divorce Among Middle-Aged and Older Adults, 1990 2010" by sociologists Susan L. Brown and I-Fen Lin of Bowling Green State University, Bowling Green, Ohio. In 2010, that statistic translated into approximately 600,000 individuals between the ages of 50 and 64, and roughly 113,000 persons ages 65 and older in the United States choosing to voluntarily end their long-term marital unions. This modern phenomenon even has a name. It's called "grey divorce." State of the unions What's causing this uptick in long-married couples deciding to call it quits? Marion Korn, a Toronto-based family law lawyer and family mediator, said our increasing longevity might very well be a factor. "I think we're seeing people enjoying good health into their 60s and 70s, and they are making decisions based on personal freedom," she noted. Korn and Certified Divorce Financial Analyst Eva Sachs recently teamed up to write a divorce manual specifically for this growing demographic. Their book, "When Harry Left Sally (or When Sally Left Harry) Finding Your Way Through Grey Divorce" is designed to help boomers navigate their way through the many factors financial as well as emotional that influence the outcome of today's grey divorces. The authors noted that unlike the parents of today's boomer generation who attached a significant stigma to divorce individuals in their 50s and 60s are much more comfortable with the idea of separation, divorce and remarriage. Many in that generation, in fact, are already on their second or third marriages. "I think when someone is 55 or 60 and realizes that they may have another 20 or 30 years [of their lives] left, and they may have been in a relationship that is not satisfying . when they look at that long time frame they begin to think about a change, a divorce," Sachs said. And increasingly, the authors noted, the spouse that initiates that mid-life divorce proceedings is the woman. The times they are a-changin' Here again, statistics paint the picture. According to a recent survey by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, nearly 25 percent of grey divorces are initiated by the wife, as opposed to 14 percent being initiated by boomer-aged husbands. Korn noted that the change in women's economic status over the past few decades with more and more wives in the workforce and making significant financial contributions to family has definitely had an effect on how women view their position in the marriage, and in the world. "Women are still earning less [than men], but there is a growth in women being the primary breadwinner," Korn said. "That, in a sense, may explain why we are seeing more grey divorce, and more divorce in general, that is being initiated by women." She added that the growth of Internet-based dating sites "that are becoming so specific they are targeting all types of cultural and religious groups, as well as [the boomer] demographic," is seen as another factor in the rise of later-in-life divorces. "I think the fear of being alone is not as great," Korn said. "They understand that they might be able to find a new partner." Sachs added that the social stigma women much more than men once felt about being on their own after a divorce is much less significant for those of the boomer generation. For women in their 50s or 60s today, "It's very much OK in a social situation, in a restaurant, or traveling, for a group of women without male companionship. It's much more acceptable and taken as the norm than it would have been in other generations," she said. Korn noted that the "sense of adventure" that seems to have always permeated the actions of the boomer generation may also be playing a role in the growing prevalence of divorce in this age group. "So much of our generation was entrepreneurial," Korn said. "When I think about the traveling and the risks I took and the way [this generation] viewed our lives, I think we carried that [spirit] through." Breaking a promise, and a partnership For the hundreds of thousands of boomers who married in religious ceremonies, the decision to divorce means the breaking of a sacred promise to care for one another no matter what, "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, until death do us part." But to the legal system, divorce grey or otherwise is essentially about the dissolution of a partnership. Put simply, the dissolution of a partnership translates into the division and distribution of assets, which at midlife can range from dividing that retirement nest egg to the prospect of paying alimony to a former spouse well after both partners have stopped working. Melissa R. Gillis, a family law attorney with Bacon & Wilson, P.C. of Springfield, Mass., said a recent revision in Massachusetts Appellate Court Law has changed the structure of alimony payments in that state in divorce settlements for long-term marriages. "The new alimony statute has a provision in it where alimony, when someone reaches maximum retirement age, which is now age 66, is terminated," Gillis said, adding, "This is historic because it is the first alimony statute we've ever had." However, Gillis said, it isn't clear yet if the termination will be automatic in all of these divorces, or if mitigating factors will influence individual cases. Up until this new statute she said alimony in marriages of less than 20 years in length had an automatic end date for alimony payments, but there was no provision for terminating alimony in marriages of 20 years or more. "It may be a reason we have seen an increase in the last year or so [in grey divorces in Massachusetts]," Gillis said. "I couldn't answer that definitively; spousal support is such an important issue in long-term marriages and older people. "I have many people who come to me before they make the final decision [to divorce] and they want to know what the alimony implications will be for them," she added. "Some end up filing for divorce, some don't." Beyond this financial consideration, Gillis said the sheer number of years an older couple has spent together adds "another layer of anxiety in these divorces" that younger couples may not experience. "People have talked about a retirement plan together maybe they were going to sell their home and move to a warmer climate or downsize to a smaller house or condo and we often see a disappointed spouse that doesn't want to divorce because these plans have changed," she noted, adding there's often a lot of questioning, "can I do this on my own?" in grey divorce cases. On the flip side of this questioning, Gillis said is the growing sense among many people at midlife that they deserve to think about their own happiness, especially if couples have chosen to remain in a less-than-satisfying marriage until children have graduated from high school or college. "There's a feeling that they 'deserve' to be happy . or be with someone they can be intimate with or who satisfies their emotional needs," she said. "A willingness to sacrifice financial needs to satisfy emotional needs is much more relevant now than it used to be." Nevertheless, Gillis said divorcing couples are usually very cognizant of what they will have to live on after the marriage ends, and there is always concern over whether the assets are going to be "enough to get them through the next 20 to 25 years of their lives without earning any more income." She said with the grey divorce demographic, she also finds that couples have talked with each other about the dissolution of their marriage and its implications before they visit her office, rather than just coming in to file for divorce. It's sad, but not necessarily bad In writing "When Harry Left Sally," Korn and Sachs have tried to create a guide for couples contemplating a late in life, or grey divorce. Their goal, as Korn said, is to show couples how they can work though "a sad story without it being a bad story." Sachs said the key to a good grey divorce is to find a customized solution that fits the couple's age, financial and emotional situation. "Separation is a process, not an event, and it is a different process for every couple," she explained. Through stories of middle aged divorcing couples, charts and self-guided surveys including several in the "Will I Stay or Will I Go" chapter that encourage readers to examine their marriage and determine why they might be thinking about divorce "When Harry Left Sally" encourages couples to carefully consider everything from retirement planning to the financial needs of their children that could be impacted by the end their marriage. "I think people are starting to unbundle divorce services, and understand that divorce is not just a legal event, but there is both an emotional and a financial event," Sachs said. For example, Korn said, couples undergoing grey divorce usually value their relationships with their extended families much more highly than younger divorcing couples. "In your 60s, not only are you dealing with your adult children, but you are also dealing with the relationships with grandchildren," she said, Korn also noted that with this age group, there is a greater awareness of managing a divorce through collaborative law or mediation as opposed to litigation. These divorces are not always friendly and amicable but Sachs said, the process behind these approaches to divorce keep couples focused on the important aspects of their separation. "That doesn't mean you can't have a divorce and have two lawyers and you don't meet at all," she added. However in their book, as they do in their work with clients, Sachs said she and Korn tried to "provides a reality check for couples [and] keep them focused and moving forward, whether it is their relationship, their financials, or housing, and when they start to focus on [these things] they are in a much better position to begin to work through what their futures are going to look like." "When Harry Left Sally (or When Sally Left Harry) Finding Your Way Through Grey Divorce" by Marion Korn and Eva Sachs is available in a print and a Kindle eBook edition at www.whenharryleftsally.ca