Generations RX

Chicopee support group helps grandparents cope with parenting their grandkids By Debbie Gardner PRIME Editor On the cover: Great-grandfather Chester Guest prepares his great-grandson, Alfred Lee for a fishing trip at a Tacoma, WA, family reunion in 2004. Guest, who is 86, together with his 77-year-old wife, elected to become Alfred's caregivers when their granddaughter became homeless and was seduced by drugs. To them, putting Alfred in foster care was not an option ... (photo and story background by Oscar Williams, photographer). They meet on the third Tuesday of every month to share parenting tips, to compare stories, to learn how to navigate the legal and emotional maze ... and to vent. This isn't what they expected to to be doing in their golden years. But here they are, dealing with bus schedules and homework and discipline and doctor's appointments and nightmares ... oh yes, and the Department of Social Services (DSS). Welcome to the world or grandparents raising their grandchildren. PRIME was fortunate to spend a recent evening sitting in on the Grandparents Raising Grandchildren Support Group at the Chicopee Senior Center. It was an eye-opening experience, and one where, as an older parent myself, I could relate to the joys, the frustrations, the complaints that friends don't understand, and the feelings of exhaustion expressed by members of the group. I have the greatest of respect for these men and women who have chosen to take on full-time parenting and sometimes full-time employment again when their peers are enjoying their retirements. As any parent knows, raising children isn't an easy task. It's even harder when the rules (and expectations) have changed radically from the ones you learned 30 or so years ago. And ... there's situations you never faced thrown into the mix. "It's not just bringing up these children, you're bringing up a child with a family in disarray," Sister xxx Patience told the group during a segment on spirituality at the Tuesday night meeting. Seeing a need and filling it Founded nearly 10 years ago through a grant from the Brookdale Foundation Group, a non-profit organization founded by the Schwartz Family of NYC to focus on the needs and challenges facing America's elder population, this Chicopee Senior Center's cross-generation parenting group has quietly been addressing the needs of grandparents revisiting the role of parents. "[The group] was formed because it seemed [grandparents raising their grandchildren] was a new issue that was arising in [Chicopee] and throughout the greater Springfield area," Jim Leyden, Chicopee Senior Center program coordinator told PRIME during a telephone interview about the support group. Leyden, who has been overseeing this and all other programs at the Chicopee Senior Center for the past four years, said he currently has 52 active families enrolled in the grandparents raising grandchildren program. "But since the inception, we've probably served 150 families," he said. Echoing a national trend In that respect, the formation of Chicopee Senior Center's Grandparents raising Grandchildren support program seems a barometer of a sea-change in child-rearing. According to a recent study of grandparents raising grandchildren done by the Ohio State University Extension, in 1990, approximately two million American families were headed by one or more grandparents. By 2000, a National Census Bureau report cited by the study showed that figure had climbed to 2.4 million, reflecting a 19 percent increase in the number of grandparents in the U. S. who were responsible for one or more grandchildren in their homes in just one decade. (Those numbers had risen, but much more slowly, in the 1970s and 80s). That means there are currently somewhere around 3.9 million American children who are living with, and being raised by, their grandparents. That's an increase of 76 percent over the 2.2 million who were recorded as doing so in 1970. Figures also show one-half of those grandchildren now living in a grandparents home are under the age of six. But the grandchildren aren't the only ones in this situation who are young Census statistics indicate that 55 percent of the grandmothers and 47 percent of the grandfathers caring for their grandchildren in 2000 were not yet 55, and 19 percent and 15 percent respectively have not yet reached their 45th birthday. "A lot of the grandparents nowadays are a lot younger than they used to be," Leyden said. "We welcome any grandparent who is raising their grandchildren ...there is no restriction as far as residency or age." Making it work ... Though PRIME has spoken to numerous grandparents who are actively raising grandchildren ranging in age from four-and-a-half-year-old toddlers to kids just starting high-school, none were willing to be quoted in this article. That's understandable, these men and women are walking a fine line between the privacy of their adult children and the needs of the grandchildren they are caring for. "A lot of these grandparents have issues with the biological parents, from mental health [problems] to drug and alcohol abuse to incarceration," Leyden said. Leyden said his role, and that of Linda Mailo-Mehpe, a licensed mental health counselor who co-facilitates the support group with him, is to point a grandparent in the direction of the help he or she needs. "It's a different world," Leyden said. "Trying to be a parent again ... [sometimes] it's very difficult for them to adjust." "This generation is a lot different from when they were raising their children," Leyden continued. "Disciplinary issues, for example. Some things that worked in the past don't work now." The Chicopee Senior Center also has a social service coordinator available and can provide grandparents with a resource guide to help with locating services. Newly parenting grandparents ... "When the call comes, who can say no?" one grandparent said, referring to his own decision to take on parenting two of his grandchildren. But once a grandparent has said yes, what should he or she do next? That's where Leyden said the Chicopee Senior Center's Grandparents Raising Grandchildren support group can be an invaluable resource. For example, the evening that PRIME visited the support group, a couple who had recently taken in two grandchildren came seeking help with some basic issues. They had questions about things such as obtaining health insurance, applying for financial assistance, and what to do about custody and guardianship of the children. "A lot of grandparents have legal issues and legal hurdles," Leyden explained to PRIME prior to the support group meeting. At the meeting, other grandparents explained the difference between custody and legal guardianship, and the importance of being the child's legal guardian in situations such as medical care, school placements, and when applying for insurances and assistance such as food stamps and stipends from the DSS. "I like it when the group helps each other, when grandparents give examples and advice on how they've handled issues," Leyden said. The group also gave these new 'parents' an opportunity to talk openly about the emotional challenges of taking on children again. "It's the loss of having grandchildren," said one grandparent. "It's not the visit that brightens your day ... it's all the time." "Friends don't understand," said another grandparent, referring to acquaintances whose grandchildren are only visitors. "They just don't get it." "You think it's your time to fly," said another. "and your wings are clipped." Support for the grandkids, too ... But Leyden hasn't left the grandkids out of the equation when it comes to emotional support. Every third Tuesday while the grandparents support group meets, he offers a chance for the grandkids to get together. "I have volunteers that provide care [during the support group]. The kids can do activities, get help with homework and reading, things like that," Leyden said. "I look at it as a time for these kids to get together with other kids in the same situation." Beyond parenting ... And there's more to the support group than just parenting advice and a chance to vent. During the course of the year, Leyden says he tries to offer different types of programs ranging from education on healthy eating and help with homework to spirituality and keeping physically and mentally healthy as well as social events that bring the grandparents and grandchildren together. "I like to do two big events a year. One in the summer and a really nice holiday party in December," he said. We're here to help But above all, Leyden wants grandparents coping with raising their grandchildren to know there is a place to turn for help. "A lot of people don't know there's support out there and that this program exists, [even] after 10 years," he said. "I think a lot of grandparents may be embarrassed [to ask for help]. For more information about the Chicopee Senior Center's Grandparents Raising Grandchildren support group, call Jim Leyden at 413-534-3698. Online help and resources for grandparents raising grandchildren Info on legal and financial assistance: Generations United www.gu.org (This site has great explainations of legal options in guardian care, financial assistance programs, and more under Kinship Care) Tax tips, parenting tips, legal tips, and more AARP www.aarp.org (Type 'grandparents raising grandchildren' in search box) Grants for support groups and other kinship care organizations Brookdale Foundation www.brookdalefoundation.org Find a lawyer for guardianship, info on pro bono services Center on Children and Law www.abanet.org Advocacy on children's issues cuts in programs Child Welfare League of America (CWLA) www.cwla.org Grief resources for grandparents who have lost thier child (the parent) Compassionate Friends www.compassionatefriends.org Health advice, self-care and financial advice for older women Older Women's League www.owl-national.org Listing excerpted from the web site of the Minnesota Kinship Caregivers Association (MKCA), a not-for-profit organization, advocates for, supports, and provides information and resources to people raising their grandchildren or children of other kin and friends. Association web address is: www.mkca.org