40+ Fatherhood

The joys... the challenges ... the best time to become a Dad? By Debbie Gardner PRIME Editor Michael Curtis of Springfield was thrilled to become a first-time dad at 42. "It's what I waited for," Curtis told PRIME during a late-May telephone interview about mid-life fatherhood. "I can't wait to come home every day to see her," he said of his two-year-old daughter, Grace. And though Curtis and his wife, Jean, didn't know it at the time, their desire to start a family in their 40s reflected a quiet trend. A mini-baby boom Since the early 1980s, U. S. census data shows there's been a steady increase in births to fathers between the ages of 40 and 44. In 2002, 223 out of every 1,000 live U. S. births listed fathers in that age group. That's a 50 percent jump in the rate of births since 1980. Data reflects similar trends for men ages 45 to 49, and 50 to 54, with these age groups accounting respectively for 75 and 25 out of every 1,000 live births in 2002. This boom in late-in-life fathers will never match the robust fatherhood figures of guys in their mid-to-late 20s, but it still reflects an overall growth rate of 20 percent over the past 25 years. Forty-plus fatherhood In researching this story PRIME talked to five men ranging in age from 42 to 63 who became fathers at mid-life. Four were first-timers. One had grown children from a previous marriage. Three were local dads. Two were fairly famous men. But in all cases, they had one observation. Becoming a dad at mid-life either for the first time or again was one of the high points of their lives. A missing piece "It gave me a sense of fulfillment," said John Gardner of Springfield, who became a first-time father at 45 when he and his wife adopted a nine-month old baby boy. "[Fatherhood] filled a void that I didn't know was there. I found out what I was missing." 59-year-old Ken Bernstein of Amherst, whose first child was born one month after his 48th birthday, said of being a dad, "Nothing is more gratifying in my life." "I had been enjoying children ... I had children in my life professionally," continued this licensed psychotherapist and social worker who also teaches karate at his own school, Movin Zen Karate, in Amherst. "But I had wondered ... [having my own children] was just something that I very much wanted." "When I met a good partner we entered into this," said Bernstein of his wife, Marian, who is 16 years his junior. "And we had a phenomenal girl, followed two years and nine months later by a phenomenal boy." The timing was right "I could never have done this at 20. I was very immature," said 44-year-old Michael Curtis, first-time father of a two-year old girl. "In my 20s and 30s I played hockey four nights a week ... who knows if I would have stopped that then," he said. "But now I barely play. I just want to come home [to Gracie]." Bernstein feels delaying fatherhood until his late 40s has given him a parenting advantage over younger fathers. "I've had the opportunity to live and absorb ... I've paid the price for not being so responsible," said the self-confessed child of the 60s. "I can draw on my life experiences for my kids, which I had a lot less of 20 or 30 years ago." It brings on worries ... and challenges "Concerns about the future ... obviously to maintain an income level as much as I can," said Gardner, who turns 50 in September. "I may still be working when others are retired." Dr. Robert Ballard, deep ocean explorer and a second-time parent at mid-life, expressed a similar concern when he allowed PRIME to talk with him about his family during the interview for our April 2005 cover story on his Oceanographic Institute at Mystic Aquarium in Mystic Conn. "I have no chance of retiring. I'm 63 with a seven-year old...it's not in my vocabulary," said the intrepid explorer with over 200 deep-sea missions to his credit, who did admit to now keeping his days at sea to "five weeks a year," at the request of his second wife. Bernstein, whose first child was born when he was 48 and he was in a psychoanalytic training program said he found the biggest challenge of mid-life fatherhood was the sleep deprivation. "I was in the child/adolescent training program [when my daughter was born] and I became a light sleeper ... I could hear my [daughter] cry from far away," said Bernstein. "I was up in a flash ...[there I was] at 48 with a small child, and I was tired." Even Curtis, who is just 44 now, admits that parenting takes its toll on a guy's energy level. "She's tiring, but it's fun," he said of Gracie. "Every day it's 24 hours [of parenting] ... it's a team effort ...and its more of a team effort at 40 than I think it would have been at 20." "[Parenting] challenges a 40-plus body," admitted Gardner. "The ability to sit on the floor, bend over quickly ... horsey rides can hurt ... just keeping up with a growing boy ... maintaining the energy level." It keeps you young "I've started playing hockey and I'm on a team. I got the urge from watching my [11-year-old] son," said famed Weimaraner photographer and former Longmeadow resident William Wegman during a previous Reminder Publications interview about one of his newest books, dressup Batty. Now 61, Wegman admits he got a late start in the family game. "You know, right at the same time I started to do my first children's book [Cinderella and Red Riding Hood], I was becoming a father," said Wegman. "My first children's book was in 1993, and my son was born in 1994." His feelings on late-life fatherhood. He couldn't be happier. "It's been terrific,"said Wegman. "It's a wonderful life I have with my young children and my young, healthy dogs." Wegman's books and work now feature the second and third generations of dogs following in the footsteps of his famed Weimaraners Man Ray and Fay Ray. "The biggest challenge is to stay young in body and in mind," said Gardner. "I owe it to [my son] to be a 35-year-old right now. I owe it to him because all of his friends' parents are 35. That's what I've got to be." Bernstein, at 59, echoed the same kind of sentiment about staying as young as possible. "I see life as getting better and better, I don't see life waning ... I continue to evolve, and part of that is how I take care of myself. Martial arts is a part of that," said Bernstein. "I'm determined to stay fit and healthy and supple and to listen to my body and stay healthy for my kids and for myself ... and to be as much as I can be." Using a sports metaphor to describe parenting at mid-life, he compared the experience to the career of Roger Clemens, who was still a star pitcher into his 40s, well after other baseball players his age had retired. "You rely less on your high hard one, and more on your repetoire," said Bernstein. You don't fear ... your death None of these mid-to-late-life fathers expressed a fear of dying and leaving their young children. But most who had waited so long for the gift of fatherhood had another very real fear. "The scariest thing ... it's always the worry that you're going to lose this child somehow," said Gardner. "Every parent is scared of losing his child. Especially, because it's difficult to do this again ... the clock is ticking and pretty soon the window [of opportunity for more children] is gone." Ken Bernstein actually confronted that fear early in his fatherhood, when living in his beloved New York City. "I was walking with my daughter ... we'd just left the subway, and there's someone standing in front of me, saying, hand it over, I don't want to use [this weapon]," said Bernstein, a karate master. "I grabbed my daughter and ran between parked cars into the street. I looked behind and he was gone." "Being physically competent and emotionally ready, I was able to save myself and my child in that moment," said Bernstein. "But there were limits to that ... to my ability to protect my child." "I learned that there are limits to what parents can protect their children from," he continued. As a result of the experience, Bernstein and his wife left New York City and chose to relocate to western Mass. "The psychic cost of parenting in New York city was too great a price," he said. It reorders your priorities "I think having children late [in life] is wonderful," Ballard said, reflecting on his second family a daughter, age seven and son, age 11. "You find the time [for them] even though you're busier." "The biggest surprise [of fatherhood] ... I don't think it was as hard as I thought it would be," Gardner said. "It looks like a monstrous task, but once you get into it, you get into a groove and you get things done." "What I really found out was how many things that I thought were so important became inconsequential," Gardner added. Bernstein said he went so far as to re-prioritize his work and home life because of fatherhood. "I've made a choice to find a better balance in work and parenting, and I'm blessed to have the credentials [to be able to do that]," said Bernstein, who now sees patients at an office in his home so that he can be the kind of parent he wants to be; the kind who drives his children to school, and has the time to return with a forgotten instrument. "It gives me perspective on what's important," said Bernstein about the experience of parenting. "And about love, and sacrifice, and being loving and receptive and understanding and empathic." "Fathers of a Certain Age" There aren't many books written about late-life fathers, but second-time- around father Martin Carnoy, a professor of Education and Economics at Stanford University, and his grown son, David Carnoy, an associate editor at Success Magazine, worked together to create one that covers the pitfalls and pleasures of fathering children at mid-life. Fathers of a Certain Age The Joys and Problems of Middle- Age Fatherhood looks at many of the same topics PRIME explored with our local mid-life dads, but does so in greater depth with interviews covering subjects such as dealing with step-kids, May-December marriages, adoption, fathers-at-home, even addressing the issue of whether or not older dads might be bad for kids. It's a worthwhile read for men contemplating, or finding their way through, the challenges of mid-life fatherhood. It's the best thing that 's happened to them None of the mid-life dads express any regrets about the lifestyle changes and financial concerns that come with fatherhood at their age. "I wish I was younger so I could have more kids," said Curtis, who was among the youngest of the six fathers PRIME interviewed. He and his wife, Jean, who herself has two children from a previous marriage, have decided one mid-life child is enough. "Staring 50 in the face, would I do it again? Yes, even though I'm not as sure of the future as I was a few years ago," said Gardner, who added that he and his wife are still contemplating adopting a second child. "Nothing matches the hug of a child."