By Debbie Gardner
debbieg@thereminder.com
The decision to go back to school at age 56 shifted Jane Fleishman’s career from a focus on organizational development to one that encompassed research on the evolving nature of human sexuality, especially as we age. Armed with a PhD in the subject, earned at age 62, Fleishman is now a respected lecturer on intimacy and aging who co-hosts a weekly podcast on the subject at http://www.ourbetterhalf.net/
Prime reached out to Dr. Fleishman with some questions on elders and intimacy in conjunction with our January issue’s focus on health. Here’s what she had to say:
Q: What do you see as the prevailing attitude towards intimacy and elders today? How is it evolving?
“In the past it was the belief that, in terms of sex, women dried up, men couldn’t get it up and the most peaceful way to exist was to have amnesia and forget about intimacy. But baby boomers will be the largest cohort by 2020 … and they are not satisfied with aging as their parents and grandparents did. Baby boomers are not content about giving up on exercising, risk taking and adventure, and they recognize that human beings are sexual beings through their 70s, 80s and even 90s. Statistics back up this shift in attitudes. The latest research from the University of Michigan and AARP shows that 65 percent of those individuals between 65 and 80 say sex matters to the quality of life, and 70 percent of that cohort report being sexually active.
“However, those attitudes can still be influenced by individual feelings and beliefs. For example, my parents are both 90 years old and they were thrilled to come and hear my [most recent] talk; when I asked my brother he said ‘are you kidding, I’m not going to come and hear my baby sister talk about sex with my parents in the room!’”
Q: The term “intimacy” covers a broad range of concepts, ideas and practices. How does aging shape and redefine what we consider an intimate relationship?
“For older adults, sometimes intimacy means kissing, cuddling, dancing. Sometimes in long-term relationships, we forget about the power of touch, how intimate and erotic it can be. Likewise, sex for older adults doesn’t have to mean penetration; it can mean oral sex, masturbation or mutual masturbation. Older couples need to open to new possibilities; define sex in new ways and don’t worry about spontaneity.
“There’s also an assumption that because a couple isn’t sleeping together, they’re not intimate. But sharing a bed can become an issue as people age because of things such as snoring, a partner with fragile skin, long toenails, any number of health or comfort issues. The solution here is not to wait until you go to bed to engage in intimacy. If medication creates an issue, try to time things so the problem – or effect – is optimal, and have any tools you need handy. And remember, regular sexual activity can help reduce the risk of breast cancer in women, pros-tate cancer in men and reduce chronic pain.“
Q: Intimacy is always fraught with concerns about acceptance. What advice do you have for elders – and their children and grandchildren – about embracing intimacy as they age?
“When it comes to body image concerns, you have to consider [each age] a new norm – ‘who I am today is not who I was in my 30s, 40s or 50s, but who I am today is quite enough’ to be a sexual human being.
“On the issue of widowhood – it is very difficult to find somebody new for companionship once you have lost your spouse or partner. Going to social events with friends, going to an interest group, or even going online to an internet dating site for older adults are some avenues to connect with individuals your age. Be open to possibilities.
“As for the younger generation, get off you iPhones! The more you are having sex as a young person, the more you will be sexually satisfied as an older adult. Medication issues will not necessarily predict what your sexual satisfaction will be as you age, nor will chronic illness, but what you did as a younger person will. So remember, the more you can understand sexual expression as a younger person, the better your sexual journey will be.”
For more information and advice on intimacy and aging, visit www.janefleishman.com.